Star Trek: Franchise
by Crossbow
Summary: Crewmembers from Voyager, Deep Space Nine, and the Enterprise D are stranded on a mysterious planet. Contains some slash and a lot of really old jokes.
1. The First Arrivals

Summary: Don't you hate it when authors make things up as they go along?

Author's Note: This springs from two ideas:

First: I once made a quip that "Star Trek: Enterprise" should have been named "Star Trek: Franchise." Upon reflection, I decided that there really SHOULD be an ST story by that name. But what to write about?

Second: What to write about? Well, it looks to me as if about 95 of fan fiction is begun with no plot in mind. I used to consider myself above that sort of thing, but what the hell. It's only fan fiction. It's not as if my publisher is going to get on my case about it.

Don't tell me I'm mixing timelines. I know it. It's part of the fun.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Apologies to the memory of Gene Roddenberry for what I'm about to do to his characters.

**Star Trek: Franchise**

**Chapter One: The First Arrivals**

**Captain's Log  
****Kathryn Janeway**

Stardate: Unknown.

Seven's best guess is that we are probably still in the Delta Quadrant.

We have so far discovered no signs of intelligent life on this planet, but I'm not jumping to any conclusions this time. We don't know how long we were unconscious, but Seven says that the star patterns are not familiar to her. With a medical tricorder, we could determine how much we have aged, but the doctor wasn't transported with us – it's only myself, Commander Chakotay, and Lieutenants Paris, Kim, and Torres, and Seven of Nine.

Seven doesn't believe we were unconscious long enough to have traveled outside the Delta Quadrant... but this smells of Q, and if Q is involved, we could be anywhere.

Or any time.

**Personal Log  
****Chakotay**

Stranded on a planet with Kathryn. Again. Maybe this will be my big chance.

**Personal Log  
****B'Elana Torres**

Stranded on a planet with Chakotay. This could be my big chance.

**Personal Log  
****Tom Paris**

I can't believe my luck. Stranded with Harry, Chakotay, B'Elana, and Seven. I don't even know who to start with! Obviously, since I've already had Janeway, she'll be last.


	2. Captain, I sense a presence

A/N:First, I forgot to thank my muse at the beginning of the first chapter, so I'm doing it now. My most sincere thanks to the **Muse of Parody!** I could do nothing without you! Thanks also to **Cassandra** for proof-reading the first chapter. This one hasn't been proof read. Feel free to tell me about any mistakes. And **Ligia Elena** - Don't worry, there will be more Tom!

**Captain's Log  
****Jean-Luc Picard  
****Stardate unknown.**

Q is behind this, I'm sure of it.

Without Data and his internal chronometer or Dr. Crusher and her medical tricorder, there is no way to be sure how long we were asleep. However, I have done enough time-travel to have a sense of such things, and I believe that only a few hours have passed. Only Q could have moved us so far in such a short period of time. Wesley does not recognize the stars, so we are at least outside the Alpha quadrant.

I arrived here with Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher, Ship's Counselor Deanna Troi, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, and my first officer, Will Riker. Deanna senses other humans nearby. She says she does not sense Q or any of the continuum, but nevertheless, I see no other explanation.

**Personal Log  
****Will Riker**

I can't believe it. A strange planet with no hot babes, other than the one we brought with us. I don't think this has ever happened to me before.

**Personal Log  
****Deanna Troi**

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of being treated like part of the sensor array. "Counselor, do you sense this?" and "Counselor, do you sense that?" I'm not a bloody tricorder!

Thank god Geordi is here. Since he can see in infrared and ultraviolet, hopefully some of the sensor array duties will fall to him.

**Personal Log  
****Geordi LaForge**

I am SO SICK AND TIRED of being treated like part of the sensor array. "Geordi, do you see anything in infrared?" and "Geordi, do you see anything in UV?" What am I, a tricorder?

Thank god Deanna is here. Since she can sense life forms and emotions, hopefully some of the sensor array duties will fall to her.

**Captain's Log  
****Jean-Luc Picard**

We have found the humans Deanna sensed.

They're Starfleet officers. The last people I expected to find here.

Their captain is a very handsome woman named Kathryn Janeway. She is the daughter of Admiral Edward Janeway, whom I met many years ago. They were brought here from their starship, _Voyager_, in Delta Quadrant. They are also from a point in time approximately five years ahead of ours.

These facts reveal two important elements of our situation. First, since they were taken from a point tens of thousands of light-years away from us, we have no reason to believe we are in either the Alpha or the Delta quadrant. Second, whatever force brought us here can reach through time as easily as through space, so we could be at any point in time as well as any location.

Kathryn, who has also had experience with Q, agrees with me that he is the most likely force responsible for this. However, it is quite unlike Q to remain unannounced for this long. I wonder what he is playing at.


	3. A Brief Romantic Interlude

**Personal Log  
****Tom Paris  
****Day 2**

Scored with Chakotay last night.

Damn, he's easy.

Who's next? Should I go alphabetically or in order of rank? I think rank, since I started with the Captain, and then had the first officer. That means... Mmmm, Klingon engineer.

**Personal Log  
****B'Elana Torres  
****Day 2**

Tom is acting like he's on Raisa for vacation. I should go give him a piece of my mind.

**Personal Log  
****Tom Paris  
****Day 3**

Well, that was easy too.

**Personal Log  
****B'Elana Torres  
****Day 3**

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!


	4. Business as usual, then

**Captain's Log   
****Benjamin Sisko   
****Stardate: Unknown**

If this is Q, I'm going to kick his ass from here to Babylon 5.

Wherever "here" is.

**Personal Log   
****Quark**

I hear Human voices in the distance. Should I tell the others?

Nah. Where's the fun in that?

**Personal Log   
****Commander Worf**

I smell Humans in the distance. Should I tell the others? The captain is very angry. Perhaps it is best not to bring it up yet.

**Personal Log   
****Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax**

My tricorder is picking up human and humanoid life signs just north of here. Benjamin is awfully, tense, though. I'll tell him later.

**Personal Log   
****Dr. Julian Bashir**

I so did not need this. Garak has been avoiding me for weeks, and now I'm stuck on a planet with him. I suppose I'll have to talk to him.

Oh, and my tricorder is picking up life signs in the distance. One more thing to worry about. I suppose they'll need medical help. Sigh. Business as usual, then.

**Personal Log   
****Elim Garak**

(Oh, come on, you didn't think Garak was dumb enough to record a log, did you?)


	5. And a halfnaked vegetarian, at that

The cast so far:

**VOYAGER**

Captain Kathryn Janeway, commanding officer (Human)

Commander Chakotay, executive (first) officer (Apparently Human, but there was an episode where we found out his "Native American" ancestors were aliens, so who knows.)

Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, chief engineering officer (Human/Klingon)

Lieutenant Tom Paris, navigator (Human)

Ensign Harry Kim, operations officer (Human)

Seven of Nine (Astrophysics) (Human Borg)

**NEXT GENERATION**

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, commanding officer (Human)

Commander William Riker, executive (first) officer (Human)

Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, chief engineering officer (Human)

Commander Deanna Troi, ship's counselor (Human/Betazoid)

(Acting) Ensign Wesley Crusher (Gary Stu)

**DEEP SPACE NINE**

Captain Benjamin Sisko (Human)

Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax, science officer (Joined Trill)

Dr. Julian Bashir, chief medical officer (Genetically enhanced Human)

Commander Worf, chief tactical officer (Klingon)

Quark, bartender (Ferengi)

Elim Garak, tailor and former spy (Cardassian)

This is probably going to be the entire cast. For one thing, it's already more characters than I can safely handle. For another, I haven't been watching "Enterprise," and for a third, I feel that the poor old original series has already been spoofed within an inch of its life. Hell, they've even spoofed it in the canon.

**WARNING! **

I'm no longer entirely making this up as I go along. Somewhere along the line, a plot formed. I also may be giving in to my urge to write in prose in the very near future.

**And now, on with the story. Such as it is. **

**Personal Log, Jadzia Dax**

We're heading north, toward the life signs I picked up. I'm reading eleven people. Most are human, but two seem to also be partly something else, and one is giving off what look almost like Borg signals.

Ben is fuming. He's sure Q is behind this. I'm not so sure. I don't think he could resist staying unknown this long.

Why do Garak and Julian keep looking at each other like that? I wish Nerys were here to discuss it. I like to have a good idea of what's going on before I pry into other people's business. We scientists are curious, but prepared.

**Captain's Log, Jean-Luc Picard**

Counselor Troi senses that six more people have arrived and will be joining us soon. She sense two humans, a joined Trill, a Ferengi, a Cardassian, and what is even stranger, Lieutenant Worf. She says none of the others are familiar. Why is Worf with them? Has he come from another point in time?

Deanna does not think the newcomers know any more than we do, but hopefully, their new perspectives will shed some light on the situation.

**Personal Log, Commander Chakotay**

I used my shirt to make a still that provides enough water for all of us, and found a handy piece of flint that I used to kill and field-dress enough game to feed everyone. Go me! Too bad I'm vegetarian. And a half-naked vegetarian, at that. Well, no one else seems to mind, and it's fairly warm here. The nights are cooler, but there are always plenty of volunteers to help me stay warm at night. Again, go, me!


	6. Population Concerns

**Personal Log: Tom Paris**

Let's see. Where was I? Janeway, Check – although we were amphibians at the time, but I think it still counts. Chakotay, check. Torres, check. It's Harry's turn. Of course, I've already had many opportunities with Harry, but since everyone already thinks we're already doing the horizontal tango, I thought I would save him for last. Oh, I know, I bet I can get him and Seven into a threesome. That'll be something new.

And speaking of something new, since we've been joined by the crews of the Enterprise and Deep Space Nine, there are several new aliens to play with. There's a half-Betazoid from Enterprise, and the DS9 crew includes a Klingon and a joined Trill, plus they brought a well-dressed civilian Ferengi and a Cardassian who claims to be a civilian, although I don't think any of us are buying that. He's definitely interesting, though…

**Personal Log: Seven of Nine**

Lieutenant Paris has suddenly begun making sexual overtures towards me, although he only does so in the presence of Ensign Kim. I believe he is bored.

**Personal Log: Chakotay**

Poor B'Elanna is still kicking herself over that whole Paris thing. I tried to tell her we've all been there. Half the Delta quadrant has been there. Somehow, that didn't make her feel any better. I managed to find other ways to comfort her, though. Go, me!

**Personal Log: Kathryn Janeway**

Good lord, does my crew ever do anything but fornicate? You'd think they'd have had enough of that back on the ship. I've got to get them out of here before they overpopulate this planet. I, of course, am too pure to become involved in any of this.


	7. Riker gets a run for his money

**Captain's Log: Jean-Luc Picard**

There is still no sign of Q. In fact, no sign of any sentient life at all. I fear that Commander LaForge and Counselor Troi may be tiring of my asking them about it.

In trying to establish some sort of order, we're finding that the non-Federation personnel (Seven of Nine, Quark, and Mr. Garak) are all being quite amenable to following Federation protocols. However, I wonder how long that will last, as all three of them come from cultures that are openly hostile to the Federation. Apparently, in the period the DS9 crew is from, relations with the Ferengi are peaceful, but relations with the Cardassians have become… complicated. Still, they all continue to affirm that their Mr. Garak is a "simple tailor." On the other hand, they always say it with a smirk.

Captain Janeway mentioned that some of her crew are former Maquis. I hope that isn't going to be a problem.

**Personal Log: Deanna Troi**

That Voyager crew is certainly… friendly. I'm sure they're giving Will all sorts of ideas.

Captain Picard is driving me insane.

**Personal Log: William Riker**

Had a talk with Jadzia Dax. She had heard about my experience being a host to a Trill symbiont, but she had thought it was an urban legend.

I think that Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Paris are both challenging my position as Federation Space Slut. In fact, that whole crew is going to give me a run for my money. Except for Captain Janeway. She's so pure.

**Personal Log: Wesley Crusher**

Astrometrics is so sexy.

**Personal Log: Geordi LaForge**

I've been talking to the Voyager crew. B'Elanna Torres has managed to exceed the known warp speed limitations. The adjustments were simpler than anyone had imagined, but the results were… not good, apparently. As she was telling me this, Harry Kim walked by and said "Oh, is this the salamander story?" and B'Elanna shut up and wouldn't explain any further.

Compared notes with Seven of Nine on vision-enhancing implants. It sounds as if her artificial eye works like my VISOR, but it's less obtrusive. The Borg may be good for something after all.

Also, the captain is driving me insane.

**Personal Log: Jean-Luc Picard**

That Captain Janeway is so pure. I wonder if Q likes her more than he likes me?

**Author's notes:**

Thanks to everyone who has left reviews for this! I'm glad you like it, and I also appreciate the encouragement.

My friend Cassandra was the first one to say "She's so pure" about Captain Janeway. I didn't realize I was going to be using it so much.


	8. Strange Tensions

Completely irrelevant A/N: One reviewer wrote "Another one of these?" I was thinking, "Another one of _what?_" So I went to look him up so I could ask what he meant, and it turned out that was what I wrote about his American-transfer-student-to-Hogwarts story – which perhaps I shouldn't have mocked because he wrote it for a friend. So, sorry about that, dude.

More relevant A/N: I previously said Seven was in "astrophysics." She is actually in "astrometrics." Does anyone know what "astrometrics" is?

Anyway…

**Captain's Log: Benjamin Sisko**

We've been on this planet three days now. There has been no sign of Q. Captains Picard and Janeway agree with me that this is not his modus operandi. I do, however, have the distinct feeling that we have been caught up in an experiment.

**Personal Log: Jadzia Dax**

I met Will Riker. THE Will Riker! The only non-Trill ever to host a symbiont. He's also a fun guy. Not to mention, he's good at taking my mind of Worf, which is good because my crush on him is getting tiresome. I wish Curzon hadn't been so fond of Klingons!

There are a lot of strange tensions going on. I know Worf served on the _Enterprise_ before coming to DS9, and apparently in the time the _Enterprise_ crew has come from, he is still there. That must be disconcerting for them. Probably for Worf too, although the only one he acts strangely around is Counselor Troi.

And then of course there's that whole thing with Garak and Julian. Sigh. Will those two crazy kids ever get together?

**Personal Log: Worf**

Deanna has no recollection of our relationship. Still, I feel an obligation to slay Commander Riker.

**Personal Log: Julian Bashir**

I guess I can't put this off indefinitely. Surely Garak must have known that as a doctor, I could only tolerate a certain number of genocide attempts, but we never really talked about it, and I no longer have prior engagements with Miles as an excuse to avoid him. But first, I think I'll brood on it a bit longer. Everyone's nicer to me when I brood.

**Personal Log: Quark**

I am surrounded by idiots.


	9. The Simple Tailor

A/N: If you have me on your "Author Alert" alert list because of my "Most Abbreviated Shakespeare" or "Smallville: The Good Bits," administration has deleted them. Check my profile for current links. Thanks.

On with the Trek.

**The Simple Tailor**

**Personal Log: Chakotay**

Hey. I just noticed there is a CARDASSIAN in the DS9 group. This is so not cool. And "simple tailor" my ass.

(later)

Well, those were fateful words.

**Personal log: B'Elanna Torres**

Chakotay decided to go talk to Mr. Garak, the Cardassian tailor from DS9. Ostensibly he wanted to find out whether Garak had anything to do with the occupation of his homeworld. All of us former Maquis have issues with the Cardassians, but after that thing with Seska, I don't think Chakotay is rational about them. I went with him to make sure he didn't beat Garak up too badly. That didn't turn out to be necessary, but I'm glad I went anyway, as Mr. Garak can be very… interesting company.

**Personal log, Julian Bashir**

Well, I finally got up my nerve to go settle things with Garak, but before I could get two words out, who should interrupt us but Chakotay, the Space Slut of the Delta Quadrant, and his buxom sidekick. I wonder if I can use any of the local flora to poison them.

I wish Kukalaka were here.

**Personal log: Kathryn Janeway**

This is going too far. I know my crew is bored, but this really is too much. For one thing, Jean-Luc and I will never establish Federation order here if we have Cardassians and Maquis teaming up. And if Mr. Garak is an Obsidian order agent, as I suspect he is, who knows what kinds of ideas he could be giving them?

Besides, Chakotay is supposed to be in love with me. Everybody knows that.

**Personal log: Quark**

Idiots, I tell you.


	10. The Very Secret Log Entries

With apologies to Cassandra Claire.

Really.

**Captain's Log: Jean-Luc Picard**

Captain Janeway and I are working on putting together a duty roster. She and I agree on the importance of keeping Federation order here. Captain Sisko is working with Commander Dax, Acting Ensign Crusher, and Seven of Nine to discover our location and how we came to be here. Commander Chakotay has thrown himself into improving relations between the Federation and non-Federation personnel.

**Personal Log: Chakotay**

Kathryn wanted to know why I was away with Garak and B'Elanna for so long. I told her it was all in the interests of cooperation. Think she is jealous, however. Go, me!

I noticed when we got back that Doctor Bashir from Deep Space Nine was looking a bit pouty, and I suggested that he might feel left out and that perhaps I should go talk to him, but Garak gave me a distinctly threatening look. Pretty sure he would kill me if I tried anything. Which would really not be in the interests of cooperation, after all.

**Personal Log: B'Elanna Tores**

Chakotay can never give it a rest. I suppose I already knew that – we can't even send him on away missions anymore. But still, we'd only JUST got back to camp with Garak when Chakotay suggesting approaching Doctor Bashir. Is he blind? Hasn't he noticed that Garak and Bashir clearly have a close, brotherly relationship? Garak would kill him if he tried anything. Honestly. And I am NOT just peeved because I want Chakotay to myself. That was like years ago. I am so over that.

Really.

**Personal Log: Jadzia Dax**

We've got no hope of finding how we got here with the instruments we have (They being precisely one tricorder), but I'm keeping at it to humor Benjamin. He's beginning to act paranoid.

Seven's photographic memory and knowledge of astrometrics ought to have come in handy, but she hasn't been able to determine anything at all from the constellations. I don't know what Wesley has to work with us. Supposedly he's like OMG SPACE-TIME PRODIGY, but he's also a teenager and all he does is get in Seven's way. If Seven were actually doing anything useful, I might complain.

And I'm not saying that just because I'm used to being the Hot Chick in the group.

Wish Worf were here, but he's always out hunting. At least HE has a chance of accomplishing something.

**Personal Log: Worf**

Thank the Qunpu' I'm out of that mess.

**Personal Log: Wesley Crusher**

Astrometrics is the best thing EVER. I still don't know what it is exactly, but it's really awesome.

Still not Ensign.

**Personal Log: Benjamin Sisko**

I KNOW it's Q. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Is this one of those alternate realities where everyone thinks I'm insane? Because I've really had enough of that. And if Wesley doesn't stop ogling Seven and pay attention to the work, I'm going to do something drastic.

Speaking of ogling, I wonder if anyone has warned Chakotay away from Bashir yet?

**Personal Log: Deanna Troi**

Dax isn't fooling me – she's a pervy Klingon-fancier. Well, I won't have it; she can't seduce both Will AND Worf. Even though I'm not officially interested in either one of them, of course.

**Personal Log: Julian Bashir**

Still the prettiest.


End file.
